Chapter 10

:: Monday, May 26, 2003 ::

I'm happy. I'm exuberant. God is so amazing even though I don't live like I love him. God loves us and cares for us, even me. A sinner. But its God. He's God. He's good. I'm so blessed, eternally blessed. And I know it and that fact makes me even more happy. Then why do I want to throw something angrily right now?

If I were to start where I left off from last time I really posted, I would have to jump back almost two months. That's sad. A lot has happened. Quite. So why didn't I post it? Because I'm stupid. Example. I asked Anne to go to prom many, many a time and she never really gave me an answer. Well, the one time she really gave me an answer it was yes, but I was too stupid to pay attention. So we didn't go to prom. This was around the beginning of April. I was pretty upset that she didn't want to go, but its okay. Neither of us can dance and we don't like to get dressed up. Well, or so everyone thinks. So one day out of the blue I come home and there is a note on the refrigerator that says to be at Civitan park at 6 oo. That's okay. The only minor detail is that the storm guys were predicting storms all night, bad ones, and I highly doubted that they would let me go. But they insisted that I go to the park. Okay, what fun...

So I was thinking picnic at the park. Okay. Then I thought that Anne would have to ride with Heather and that meant Travis would go to the picnic and I don't really like double dates. Not that I've been on one, I don't plan on it. So I wasn't too thrilled. Especially when I pulled up and Travis was waiting for me which meant I was right. Now, don't get me wrong. I adore Heather, she's my sister. And Travis is okay, but I like to be with just Anne on dates, the few that we have. Then Travis told me to go to Heather's. Yay? So we get over there and Heather hands me a bag of clothes to put on. They were dress pants and a shirt and such. I was like, um..no. But I did because I figured Anne was doing something special, I just didn't know what. So then I walked out, they took a picture, and then Anne walked out and my jaw dropped. Oh my, she looked absolutely fabulous. I just can't describe how amazingly gorgeous she looked. I was floored when I saw her. She looked incredible. My whole mind just stopped working.

So we took more pictures and Heather wanted us to dance, but neither of us know how. So we scooted them out into the hallway where they couldn't watch us and we just hugged during the song. Moved our feet a little. You know how it goes. Then we took more pictures and left to visit our friends. It was our own prom. I have to say I was thoroughly surprised. I didn't know what was going on until Anne walked out in the gown, dress thing. Oh she looked....wow.

Then we, Anne and I, found out that Travis and Heather were having some problems. Then they broke up. Now, normally I'm the person some people go to for help. Heather came to Anne and me and we helped her. But when they broke up, Travis went to me. I told him to call me anytime he needed to talk, but the problem was I didn't really want him to call. I didn't want to get wrapped up in their business. It's Heather and I have to defend her and I didn't, or don't, want to listen to Travis talk about Heather. Not that it was bad, I just was really biased to agree with Heather. So now things are awkward because nobody really befriended Travis and now he's left alone without Heather. Poor guy. I wish I could help, but I don't really want to. Anybody else and it would be different. But its Heather. That's been bugging me a lot. The fact that I told Travis to look to me for help when I didn't really want to be any help at all. I know, it was horrible. Stupid me.

I preach about God in church and to my inner circle of friends (Heather, Anne, and JD) I talk about God all the time. And its amazing to be able to do that. But why can't I take Jesus out of my room and the church and carry him to school and share him with my outer friends. The ones who need to hear it. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose them. I'll lose their respect and their friendship. Stupid of me, I know, but its hard. I've grown up with them, helped them, they've helped me, I can't just lose all that. But if I want to truly love and honor God, I won't care. Its a hard decision and everyone has to admit that. God and later rewards against the world and instant but harmful rewards. God's love is so amazing and I experience it everywhere. Even at school when I listen to the gross conversations, but don't mention God. I'm stupid, I know. Why does God love me? Why does God love us? The sinners. Don't take life for granted. I've learned that.

When you first learn to walk, you have so much fun. You do everything, you walk everywhere. You enjoy it so much. Then you get used to it and its no longer fun and you have other people fetch your soda. When you turn 16, you get your license and you can drive anywhere. You love it and you go everywhere. You run errands and everything. But after the first month, it gets old. And we give up. We lose the sense of the joy we once had. When you get saved, you're filled with God's love and you can't wait to share it. Its amazing, it spreads through your every being and affects all kinds of things. You talk about God all the time and all the amazing things he has done. Then you get used to God and his mercy. You get used to being forgiven and having that salvation. DON'T GET COMFORTABLE!!! You are wasting away if you feel like you are content. Don't be satisfied, always have the new faith. The life of a reborn person. They are turned from sin and anguish to joy and happiness and can't wait to share it. Why do you stop? Why do I stop? Why have I? Why can't I take my faith outside of my zone? Don't take your salvation for granted.

And for those of you who are lost, don't take advantage of your life. Its not going to last forever. It will end. Where will you be physically, spiritually? Will you be ready or will you be even more lost. Joel quotes God as saying come now to me (God) while there is still time. There is still time to repent and turn to God and his greatness. God is good, do you know it? If you do, do you care? Stop living for you and your world and live for God. Man I need to be reading this! Live! Have life abundantly! May all power and mercy and goodness and glory and honor all go to the fulfillment of God and what he deserves. Don't waste your time daddling with pointless things. Come NOW to him. Its never too late to repent, but its later than you think.

God is good. All the time.
Peace

:: Ben 1:39 AM [+] ::
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