Chapter 10

:: Saturday, May 03, 2003 ::

So, its taken longer for me to write. I just don't see this as a priority anymore, even though I don't know why. I just feel that nobody reads this and I annoy myself too much to talk to myself, so noone, not even me, reads it. Plus I have a hard time typing, but who doesn't?

I will talk about God. Too bad I don't have words to use. I'm speechless. There is nothing I can say to help explain God's greatness. I can't preach enough to turn the hearts of those who are unwilling. It's not my place. Its God's work. I just go for the ride. Don't think wrong though. I'm not giving up on speaking, not giving up on preaching, I just don't feel that its my place because of all the sin I have in my life. I just feel taht sometimes I'm living a lie to all my friends, my youth, my pastors, those who look up to me. Those who call me a "strong" christian. What is that? Where can one find this so called "strong" christian. You find me one and I'll show you a prideful person that isn't a christian at all. Its all about knowing your sin and admitting it. We are born sinners, no getting around it. Sin is in us. Don't use it as an excuse, strive to fix whats wrong. But know that you can't do it on your own and you will mess up, but there is a God, there is God, who will listen and love.

Man I needed to hear that.

I just feel so lonely. So cold. so empty. So lost. I look for God in all the wrong places, when I shouldn't be looking at all. Not that I'm into anything that's wrong, I just don't live the life I should. I don't portray that christ-like attitude that I strive for. Trust me, I long to be like Jesus, I long to be his servant, his child. But for some reason I fail everytime because of pride, or selfishness, wants, demands. Cries for the wrong things. I lose focus and I plunge into more sin and I lose sight of God. Then I fall and I clamber back up and brush myself off. Then I see God again and I run to him. But I know everytime, as does he, that I will wander away. Why? That's where I lose it. I get so lost up in the fact that I need to put away sin, to shut it out, that I focus my attention on it entirely and give up everything else. Lose sight of what matters. Lose sight of God.

I can't be a strong christian. Noone can. We're all alike. Sinners. The only difference is what we do about it. Changes need to take place, what do you do? I sit and wait for something to inspire me, then I get moving. Why can't I jump at the chance to motivate myself and get things done?

Such emptiness. Such crazy, pointless rambling. I'll stop now.

God is good. All the time.
Peace

:: Ben 12:30 AM [+] ::
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