:: Monday, December 15, 2003 ::
I want to hit something. Hard. Very hard. And make my hand hurt. Maybe even break it. I want to know that if I wasted my time hitting something so hard that it releases some anger, at least something gets done.
I forgot my calculator during yesterday's ACT test. Which I did have to go take yesterday even though it kinda snowed. Not enough I guess. Hey, what were those 4 little flakes for then? Oops, that was my dandruff...
My hair is super greasy today. Do I care? No, right now I just want to see Anne. I think I made a boo-boo. See, at work there is this really nice girl that I'm friends with. I didn't really know her until work, but then I got to know her and it was all koscher, right? Well, some people at work thought that we would be cute together and have decided that it is their destiny to get us together. Well, I'm not a fan of that because I'm with Anne. Anyway, they won't shutup and keep pestering me, trying to get me to take Amy on a date. I'M NOT GOING TO!!! I'm with Anne, and I'm happy. Well, this all upset me and I went to see Anne tonight and I was all like, BLAH!!! and she asked what was wrong. So I told her about Amy and about work and now I think she's upset. Not at me, just at the whole thing.
Should I have told her? Probably not, but I'm not going to hide something like that from her. I mean, she needs to know. Plus I needed someone to talk to and she was there. I tell her everything. Its kinda neat. Anyway, so I added this little voice to her head that says, "Ben's leaving you...don't get attached." Stupid voices. So now I want to hug her and not let go. I just know that she is worried now. Or concerned. She's something and I don't know how to make it better. I mean, I'm not going to break up with her to go with Amy, never in a million billion zillion years, or even after that, but does she know that? Probably not.
So I'm even more upset at all that. I really want to hit something.
I have this huge massively large calculus test tomorrow that lasts all week. You know what? Screw school! How am I supposed to concentrate with Anne upset at me. There is no way I'm going to be able to. What am I to do? I won't see Anne until tomorrow after school, and that's if I'm lucky. What if she is mad at me? What if she says tomorrow, "Fine. Go with Amy!" before I can explain? I'm so retarded.
I called her when I got off work because she wasn't at church and I went because I had to stay for choir practice. She said that she was studying and said she wished I could come over. I told her that I would because I wanted to see her (I was upset from work). So we said bye and I sat waiting for choir to start. Then she called me back. I said hi and all she said was, "I just called to say, 'I love you.' See you later. Bye."
Hmm...has any of that changed? Nope. Just my voices in my head are running rampant. Their panicking. I hate panic. Especially when its my mind. I kinda need order in there.
I am so confused. I love Anne very much, and I really don't want to lose her (not that I will), but still, the voices are all right now saying, "EGAD!!!"
I want to see her, hold her in my arms, have her curl up next to me, my arm around her, her head on my chest clutching ever so tightly because she doesn't want to leave and I don't want her to. I know, its cheesy, but what can I say. I'm in love...
God is love. God brought us together. So he will take us apart. Or keep us together. Its a scary thought, being without Anne, but its even scarier being without God. Or not doing what he wants us to. Sometimes I forget all that. All this. That I'm here to worship God, nothing else.
God. So wonderful. I'm not in a good enough mood to praise him. It wouldn't do him much praise. But I can't help it. God hears me cry and he listens. He loves. God. So amazing. Hallelujah. God. Man alive, I'm so confused. I've strayed from God today. So far, yet he's so close. Watching me. Waiting. Listening. Beckoning me. Am I listening to him? Nope, the voices drown him out.
Stupid voices. I told you they were bad.
I want to cry. I'm ready. I want to see Anne. I want God to forgive me. That's why I want to cry. I've sinned and I have a pain. And I'm trying to let the voices cure it. Man alive, help me. I feel the tears coming.
I need to go pray.
God is good. All the time.
:: Ben 12:21 AM [+] ::