Chapter 10

:: Sunday, December 05, 2004 ::

What is so hard about waiting 12 days?

So I hate my job. I just can't do the recruiting thing. Oh well. Can I quit my job? No. I'm broke and I'm going to have a wife to support in 12 days. What can I say?

I'll tell you what I can say. I'm a retard. I have got to be the dumbest person ever. Honestly, who puts all their hopes and dreams and plans in the hands of one man and whether or not he can push some papers through the government so I can get paid some bonus money I was promised when I enlisted?

Noticed I started that in third person and jumped right into first?

Yes, I am that retarded person. I have a wedding and house to pay for, but have no money. Will we ever have money? Probably not. Who knows? (...God)

Yeah, he knows, but I don't think he's too happy with me right now. And, if I was him, I wouldn't be too happy with myself either. Who's to blame here? Me. Dumb ole me. Seriously! What is so hard about waiting 12 days? I waited five months to come home from training, I waited 16 years to find the girl of my dreams, I have waited 18 years to marry that girl, 2 years to kiss her, 10 months of no chocolate eating or soda drinking, 13 years of boring school, six extra months to get my driver's license, two weeks after graduation to leave for Basic, but I can't wait 12 days. More reasons why I'm stupid.

Did I pay insurance while I had the money to? Nope. Chalk another one up for why Ben is so retarded. Do I have gas money to make it to drill this next weekend? Nope. Chalk up another one. Have I done any PT since I've been home. Nope. Another one. Am I sitting behind a 10 lb bag of twinkies? Yep.

Yes, that also makes me retarded.

I just don't get myself sometimes. Actually, I never do. But who does? Seriously, who understands themself? I understand Anne better than I do myself. I understand my parents quite well, and my sister. My best friends, my dogs even. But myself? Nope, not a clue. I don't understand God either but that's a whole 'nuther conversation. I mean, God is good and I know that Jesus died so that my sins were cleansed from me, but I don't want to sin. I don't want to add more on, but I just can't help myself sometimes. I just get overwhelmed. It's hard to explain.

Twelve days.

I have to work tomorrow. I have to drive around town, being the recruiters slave person thing all day. I hate it. Despise even. Yeah, its easy, but its not very enjoyable. What job is? Well, the Army is, just not this aspect. I very much enjoy being in the Army. Now if only I had a civilian job instead of this crumb hole. So many things I have to watch out for with this job. I feel like I'm walking on glass every moment. I get in trouble for not having the car warmed up in the morning, but they expect me to turn the car on and then come inside. Why would I leave a government car unattended, WHILE ITS RUNNING!?!

I just hate it. I wish I had a different job. Like youth minister (hint, hint; cough cough) or that dumb programming job that one ole fella told me he had open. Why a recruiter? AGR at my unit would be fine. Its not the uniform or anything, just lying to people, and trying to race to beat the numbers deadline. Not very cool. Annoying. Man, SFC Sanford could talk a nun into joining. I don't agree with that. If someone doesn't want to join, leave them alone.

Is it really that hard?

I'm going to bed. I'm tired.

Goodnight, cyberworld.

God is good. All the time.
Peace

:: Ben 11:40 PM [+] ::
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