:: Tuesday, June 13, 2006 ::
Its been another one of those days. Who am I kidding, its been one of those three and a half months. It hasn't even been one of THOSE three and a half months, they are under their own classification of "one of the worst, nightmarish, kick-you-in-the-head-spit-in-your-face-step-on-your-toes-and-don't-even-have-the-courtesy-to-look-you-in-the-eye" months.
Granted, there have been times that it hasn't been that bad. Right now I can't think of any, but I'm sure that there have been times. Today is not one of those times.
In a way I'm happy that we are finally getting to leave this crap-hole and move on to better places (a crap-hole NOT in Mississippi), but it is definately a bitter-sweet kinda deal. Yes, we get to leave, but we also have to move 700 men, their equipment, the unit's equipment, the battalion equipment, and the stuff we brought but don't need and has to go home. I don't know about you, but that's a lot of stuff. Too much stuff for a light infantry unit. Not to mention that not one single plan for moving this equipment has held together longer than 5 minutes, and that's the plan that gets put out 5 minutes before the deadline to get everything done.
Welcome to the Army.
If someone would have told me that the military is this disorganized, I probably wouldn't have joined. Actually, there is no way to put into words and tell someone how disorganized the military is so that's probably why noone told me. And this will in turn lead to someone else joining the military because I couldn't convey to them the crapiness that is our military.
Well, crap. Now I'm going to get demoted for bad-mouthing the military. There is one thing that the military is organized in doing and that is making sure that you forfit all rights bestowed upon you by the Constitution you defend.
Great, there goes another grade.
Why am I so bitter today? I'm not really sure. I mean, its not like all this has come on all the sudden. Its been building up for the past three and a half months and as if on some kind of cue, pops like a three-day old zit just in time for us to go. Why couldn't we have a plan in place before we left on how to get home? For the same reason we didn't even have a plan on what to do once we got here before we left: everyone thinks someone else will do it.
I'm going to write a book and title it "Logistics Nightmare: Going to war with the Reserves". The reserve component is not in any way lesser in stature than the active component, there's just a few more steps in mobilizing the reserves than there are with the active guys. You have to drill over and over again into these guys minds that they are not part of the civilian world anymore and that they must act like a soldier again. Stir up that military bearing that has been buried so deep and dust it off. Get in their head that they are going to war, going to fight, and not on some two week AT or some vacation.
Am I guilty of this? Of course. Who isn't? Am I at least attempting to change my demeanor and attitude to that of a warrior? I hope so. This isn't some game where I can push restart and try again. This isn't some backyard brawl that just needs some band-aids and kisses from mom to make all better. This is WAR.
It doesn't matter why we are over there or even who we are fighting. We are at war. Our soldiers, your soldiers, YOUR FREEDOM FIGHTERS are sacrificing more than some of you will ever know, and all some people are worried about is how this is affecting the economy. That is ... crap.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I can preach and preach all day long but in the end it doesn't matter. I'm just a whisper in the wind. My voice just blends in with those crying bloody murder and sanctuary. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a purpose in this mission. When more than half the battalion is convinced all I do is sit in the office all day, its a little hard to get motivated to do what work I am tasked with. Don't get me wrong, I get my job done and to the fullest. This may be hard for some people to comprehend and that is my fault for being lazy. I'll admit it, I'm lazy. Even more when I'm at home. But for some reason, this uniform stirs me to move. To get things done. To do my job and make myself proud because noone else seems to care.
Why is this so hard. It should be easy to stand up and fight the fight for my country. To defeat and destroy the enemies of America. But its not.
I miss home. I miss my wife. I want to be home, in our home, enjoying my time with her, living a normal life. Instead I'm here. Going there.
When will there be home?
When will the depression and madness end? I laugh to myself because I know that it won't. That's just the way this world is. That's just the way its become. And everyone seems okay with it.
I should probably stop writing because I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. My brain has ceased to stop caring. Has cut off all contact with anything going on. But yet, it still turns. It still has a million thoughts running through it, a billion questions. But so few words come to mind.
I'm just tired. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I'm struggling. Well, its day by day actually. I've brought it all on myself. This will be a learning experience. Its for the best. You must tear yourself down before you can truly appreciate what you have. Hit rock bottom, dig a few feet deeper, and then look up and see where you were. I just hope I'm almost done digging.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm a soldier. I'm a warrior. Don't worry about me, but pray for me. And pray for our country.
Don't worry about me.
God is good. All the time.
:: Ben 7:24 PM [+] ::