:: Thursday, May 22, 2008 ::

You asked for it

As everyone knows, I have a war injury. It just adds to the awesomeness of how cool I will be as an old man. By the time I'm 70, the story will have changed from a pen in my ear to a 'nade going off behind me.

As everyone knows, I have another war injury, but not everyone believes me about this one. Well, most people believe, but since my arm is still attached and I can move it, it's not of a giant concern. The doctor in Oklahoma took an xray and told me I tore ligaments. How he could tell this from an xray is beyond me (super knowledge implanted during med school) but that's what he said. Then gave me some ibuprofen and sent me on my way. Of course, the meds didn't help and I moved to New York.

So I go to the New York VA and the doctor said she thinks there might be a tear, but physical therapy will fix it. How? I have no idea. And that's all she said. However, her boss told her to schedule an MRI to see if tissue is torn. (Like I said, its attached, some people don't care.)

Yesterday was my MRI.

The weirdest medical procedure I have had up to before yesterday was a ct scan and it was freaky. But everyone kept telling me that an MRI is the worst thing in the world. My opinion a day later? Sticking a pen in my ear was the worst thing in the world.

Since I was having this done on my shoulder, I didn't expect to have to drop my trousers (even I know some anatomy), but I was grossly mistaken. Why? Because I didn't choose my best drawers to wear to this event. Like momma always said, wear your best undies because you never know when you might go to the hospital. Maybe momma should have said it a few more times.

So I go to the MRI and the nurse hands me a set of gowns and tells me to keave my undershirt, drawers, and socks on. I, of course, start wondering why I have to go sans trousers, but I play along. Then I pick up the gowns and the real confusion starts.

I open the gowns up to realize the nurse have given me two button down shirt gowns without the buttons! Where are the trousers? Where are the buttons?

I have been to the hospital a few times (broken foot, broken ear canal, broken ear drum, broken lungs that turned out to be a wad of snot but I still claim my spleen was so close to rupturing) but I have never required any gownage to wear. So my expectations were high. Were.

So there I was in my skivvies trying to figure out how to turn a shirt-gown into trousers-gown. I tried wrapping it around my waist but figured a skirt wouldn't do me any good. I tried to putting my legs through the arm holes but figured a pair of shorts that open on either end won't do me any good.

Now, you have to give me some kind of credit. I'm a United States soldier. If I am given something, I will make it work to the best of my ability. You give me a few rolls of 100 mph tape, some twigs, and a alcoholic mechanic and I can make a humvee (shout out to SFC Tarrant.) So I was given two gowns with no instructions and made it work. I think my skirt with the high thigh slit was very appealing on me.

However, I soon realized (because I'm a US soldier and we use our brains...sometimes) that one gown was meant to be put on backwards and the other was meant to be put on regular. Thus a complete gown. I suppose my knee high dress was better than my skirt and blouse.

After that, the whole thing was downhill. The doctor asked if I rode elevators and I was trying to figure out what that had to do with being afraid of close spaces. I mean, I hate elevators because I'm afraid they are going to fall. Either way, I had my music jamming to shut out the ever so loud knocking and whining noises. They weren't too bad. Very loud though.

I don't hear about the results until July though. That's when I go back to the orthopedic doctor. Great. Oh well, maybe my arm will fall off by then.

So that's my story.

God is good. All the time.
Peace
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:: Ben 9:17 AM [+] ::
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