Chapter 10

:: Sunday, January 12, 2003 ::

Oh the craziness. So many things to say, so few words to say them in. Oh well, I'm the only one that reads this anyway, so I'll just talk to myself when I go back and read this in a few months. That made no sense. Oh Lordy, I give up.

God loves me. He calms my soul, he gives me peace, he gives me strength. Oh how much the Lord loves me and I need him so much. I missed two days of devotion with the good Lord and my attitude reflected that most definately. I was down, depressed, not knowing what was going on. Well, I knew what was going on, I just didn't care. So I had a chat with the good Lord this afternoon and I'm happy again. Oh so joyfully happy.

I love Anne. Yep, I love her so much. I was reading my webpage earlier (reflecting on life) and I noticed that I don't talk much about Anne until we were together. I'm not sure why. I liked her, yeah, I liked her. I just never wanted to do anything about it. Afraid I guess, not sure what would happen. Plus I had a thing for Haley, whom I talked about alot. Of course I did, she's a great friend and I talked to her alot. So, Miss Anne, I didn't talk about much but liked her quite a lot. Ever since about last October or so. We (the youth) were eating at Denny's one Sunday night and suddenly Anne crawled under the table. I wasn't sure why. A few days later Heather told me that Anne liked me and she was hiding because Cheryl and Tiff and Heather were all talking about her. I guess I started liking her around then. Not sure why. I mean, I liked her all the time as an awesome friend, an encouraging friend, but around then I noticed her more. I thought about her alot and couldn't stop. But I never did anything about it.

How in the world do you solve a Rubik's cube? I mean, honestly, those suckers are hard!

My ear still hurts. Stupid concussion. And I have a miniature cold. Just a smidge of one. Sniffles and such. I'm a man. I can take it. The fleas are starting to migrate away. Guess I became too sour. You just don't know these things.

Why didn't I ever say anything about Anne? I don't know. I did to Heather, a few times, but I also backed that up a few minutes later with, "Maybe I don't." Stupid me. I was just afraid, I guess. Not sure why. I have done a lot of peculiar things with Anne since Falls Creek that I normally didn't do. Maybe I look into things too much. I don't know. Probably.

Peachtree Junction. Oh the great Texaco in Stratford, Oklahoma. Broken van, everybody runs inside into the cool air. Not Anne. She just sat there. I noticed her as I walked by and sat down across from her. And we started chatting. Why? Not sure, I normally just didn't talk to random people before Falls Creek, but for some reason I did talk to Anne. She looked so lonely. So we chatted, a long time. A good hour or so. Oh the conversation we had made no sense and I bet neither of us can tell one thing the other said, but we had fun.

She told me she liked me. Told me straight out (on a cell phone, text message). What did I do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I just didn't say a thing. Of course I liked her, she was and is a wonderful of God, she is amazing, and I did nothing. Everybody knew that she liked me and everybody knew that she told me, but I did nothing. Oh, I feel so horrible. Oh so horrible. Nothing at all. Lived life like it was just another day. I'm sorry, Anne. God, you so should have hit me or something. You had plans though. Ever changing, always staying with me. Not giving up.

I did the devotion this Wednesday and the good Lord spoke through me once again. I didn't know what I was saying, just things jumping out. I let God guide me. He showed me his love and told me what to say. So I followed. And it worked out majestically. God is so amazing like that. So amazing. So divine. Oh Lord, thank you so much for your love. Your mercy, your kindness. Oh Lord thank you.

Of course I liked her. But I was worried, stupid, caught up in a mess. I stopped talking to Haley for some reason. Just didn't talk to her anymore. I was at school, she would work. Never got together. I lost a friend. A good friend. I lost Haley. I couldn't talk to her. And I thought I lost Anne. I mean, I know that if I had told someone that I liked them and they didn't say anything, I would have gone into years of sitting in my room crying myself to sleep. Okay, maybe not that drastic. But I wouldn't talk to that person much after that, much less still like them. All hope was lost I would have thought. So I thought I had lost Anne. Lost my chance. But one Saturday. One Saturday night, the one before Thanksgiving, Anne got upset and ran upstairs at Cheryl's. I didn't think much of it, I just figured she was mad, or sad, or something, I don't know. I figured Heather would go up and talk to her, or we all would charge up there and make fools out of ourselves to make her laugh. Nope, Heather made ME, me alone, go up and talk to her. Thank you Heather.

God, did you spit on me? Oh the Lord is my strength. Earnestly I will seek him. Forever I long for his touch. I feel him during worship sometimes, feel his calming hands, his love all around me, in the people, in the song, in the air, in me. He's always there. Right here, right now. He's watching. God, forgive me of my stupidity. My sin. My unrighteousness. He loves you, do you know it? Do you live your life for God? Or do you just float around, hoping to stumble upon a drug that will fix everything, hoping to find another who will take your worries away from you, hoping to find a savior in this world to free you. Give it up, you won't. God is your salvation, he's not of this world.

I sat down next to her, listened to her cry. I talked, she wouldn't, about all kinds of things to try and open her up. I made her laugh a few times, the best medicine (below God). I just wanted her to trust me. That's what its all about, trust. And faith. Did she trust me enough to talk to me about what was wrong, what was troubling her? Yeah, she did. We chatted. She didn't say much about was bothering her, but she did talk. Finally I got her to tell me what made her upset. It was this guy that she liked. Yeah, my heart and my stomach sank. Fell like a rock. She was telling me all over again that she liked me. Oh and I thought she didn't like me anymore. I changed the subject quickly, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. She didn't stop me. So we chatted about all kinds of other things. But we talked last about her family. Oh my heart aches for her when I start thinking about her family. I don't want to go there right now. I'll cry.

What makes you cry? Broken bones, stubbed toe. Jeremiah weeped for the sin of Israel. God took favor in his interest for others. He loved those people so much that he cried for them above himself. What makes you cry? I admit, I don't think about others all that much. I do think about them in positive ways, but not how they are lost in sin. The lost, the unchristian, those who have not found Christ, I don't weep for them. I do now that I realize what that really means. To be lost in sin. It's death. We deserve it, but they haven't found their Savior. Have you? Do you weep for the lost, or do you just weep for yourself.

God is so amazing. So divine. He loves us so much. He provides for us, gives us strength. Oh how amazing God is. How amazing, how incredible. He loves me and you so much. He gave his son. Oh how awesome and powerful it is to think about that. His son, our lives. Oh my.

So that was Saturday. We cried togther, on each other, we really connected. I guess you could say that's when we first started being together. Being silly geese. We went down and hung out with everyone else later. We had a blast that night. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all hoots because Heather, Joe and I were at Cheryl's all the time. Anne and I were together quite a lot. Oh we all had a blast. Then on Thursday, Thanksgiving, Anne came over to our house and spent Thanksgiving evening and the day after with us. Well, Kelly and Wayne and some Ogles and others were over all having a hoot. We were all playing games in the living room and I gave up, Phase 10 lost its phase for me, and just started rubbing Anne's back. Why? Once again, I don't know. After about an hour she layed back and I put my arm around her and we just sat there for about another few hours. I don't know why. I normally don't go throwing my arm around people and letting them lay on me. But I guess Anne isn't normal people and I tend to break away from normalities. I was happy though, very happy. Finally I realized how much I liked Anne and she didn't give up hope on me. We just sat there, not saying anything, just sitting. We stayed up until about 2 just sitting, her in my arms, her head on my shoulder. Friday we just stayed here at the house, hanging out with the Ogle's and the family. Oh I don't remember. Friday night we just sat again, on the couch, my arm around her, her head on my shoulder, just sitting. We stayed up until 4 that morning. I wish we could just sit and hold each other until the wee hours of the morning again sometime. Eh, it happens.

I'll stop rambling now. I love God so much. He has really blessed me so much so lately in so many ways. Oh the greatness. God is so good. I am truly blessed by God. So truly blessed. Thank you Lord. And I'm blessed with Anne. She makes me so happy and she is so amazing. I'm also blessed with my family. My loving family. They care for me. Oh how much they care for me. I love them so much. I wish I could return the love, and I try, but sometimes I screw up so much, I don't see why they keep talking to me. Thankfully they don't give up hope on me and do talk to me. They're awesome like that. And I'm blessed with an amazing youth minister, JD. He is so greatly blessed by many talents and he is so amazing. A wonderful mentor and teacher. And I'm blessed by my youth group, my pastor, my church. They are all amazing and love me so much. My friends are blessings, beit that they get annoyed with me quite a lot.

If I'm a carrot, who's my pea? I have a good feeling its Anne. Thanks to the good Lord. All thanks to the good Lord. He's our strength, our guiding light. All thanks to the good Lord. Thank you so much God. Thank you thank you thank you. THANK YOU!!! I am so happy because of you and your mighty works, you and your mighty love, you and your amazingness. Oh how blessed I am by you, through you, and with you.

God is good. All the time.
Peace

:: Ben 11:08 PM [+] ::
...